Of Wise and Then

Old people have all the fun. Many of them are already retired so they do whatever they want each day. They spoil they're grandchildren. They play bingo. They say anything they want and smirk knowing someone will just pass them off as old, senile, and set in their ways.

It's perfect.

I can do this and pass it off as dementia. [Credit: kPluto]

See, being old is an eternal bliss in that anyone who's around old people usually feels like that moment is lasting eternally.

Elderly-dom is the golden years, the years of wisdom, the years where you can buy an RV and live in the yards of your children.When you go to buy things you can park just about anywhere you want.

To be fair, the Werther's Original was half-priced so she had to hurry. [Credit: Martin Cathrae]

These years of happiness are so happy that a lot of old people like to remind we youthful types that we're irresponsible, unwise, and unappreciative of everything.

Then they tell us to enjoy it.

They lament about their twenties. Or their forties. Frankly, if their knees stopped buckling and their bodily functions would just operate on a normal human schedule everything would be fine.

That seems to be the only regret of old age - the broken body. It takes three hours just to get to the Wal-Mart down the street and at least ten minutes just to make it to the mailbox.

"Aww, Chris and Louise mailed us a picture of their giant mutant baby for Christmas." [Credit: Jason Berberich]

That's why there's a huge market of scooters and rocket-powered walkers. While old people will say patience is a virtue, businesses will remind them that mobility is key, especially when there's a 3 a.m. breakfast special at the local Denny's. Locked-up knees and hips with 27 degrees of rotation are hindrances for saving 59 cents with that coupon that came with the AARP card. You can't get there in time without assistance.

Unless you hurl yourself out of a plane and let gravity do the rest.

(By the way, 2:35 - 3:18 for the actual jump, 4:50 - 5:12 for the awesome crash landing, and 5:39 to hear a 98-year-old man drop the F-bomb.)

As a young person, I can't appreciate this - all the wisdom and knowledge that comes with being old. I also can't appreciate my youth because I'm young. I'm stuck in youthful purgatory where I can have everything I want, but apparently don't know what that is.

Plus, there's that whole retirement thing to save up for.

So, I need to listen to the wisdom of the people who we youthful imbeciles assume only collect garden gnomes and talk about the good old days when people were better neighbors, the world was safer, and morals were standard.

After we burn the cross we're having a potluck, but no black or brown beans. [Credit: Katrina Fry]

No matter how hard I try, the old people and I will never fully understand each other. Life for youth today is completely different than it was forty or fifty years ago. Today, I can have a conversation, on Skype, face-to-face (digitally), with a Russian, in German, as part of a contracted tutoring job.

Sixty years ago, talking to a Russian in German was an automatic conviction of treason.

(And just being Japanese was enough to get you a nice plot of land in Idaho with thousands of other Japanese.)

Why isn't anyone smiling? [Source: wccls]

Just the same, (only reversed), I can't understand what it would be like to be old. My circumstances could be quite different. (Number one, no social security checks. Number two, my generation had some prejudices, too. Sorry everyone from the Middle East.)

I'll have life experiences that change my mindset and eventually alter and mold me into the person I'll be, a saggier and wiser version of me. I might even still hold onto beliefs that I formed when I was in my thirties and listen to music that formed my generation.

(Here's to telling the grandkids that "I smell sex and candy," that, "I like big butts and I cannot lie," and, "my name is Slim Shady." You know, the good old days.)

Basically, understanding old people now at my age would be like eight-year-old me attempting to understand how twenty-seven-year-old me talks to women.

I'm going to take you to a recess field and chase you around it. [Credit: Chris Sgaraglino]

No matter how hard I try, until I actually experience oldness, I'll never fully understand it. I should be fortunate to have my bowels decide to evacuate at random times. And the rhythmic popping of joints as my own personal band? Can't miss out on that. Jowls that shake when I talk? Awesome. Not being able to hear myself when I talk? Double awesome. A Life Alert belt? Jackpot!

But those are privileges.

As someone once said, "Do not regret growing older. It is a privileged denied to many." There were also some other quotes, but the old people I asked forgot them.

"A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, so start walking home Gladys because there's no chance in hell we're finding the car." [Credit: Alex]

Right now, the best thing I can do is continue living, mainly because suicide is frowned upon, and, unless I die, I really don't have any other options other than a substance abuse problem or life inside a house that uses tanning bed bulbs for lighting.

Besides, when I'm old, people will look up to me because society demands of it them. Kids will respect me because I smell funny and they don't want another hug. Politicians will (pretend) to care about me because I'll be a part of the only group that actually votes.

I look forward to that time because I can't wait to tell people that old age is just like a fine wine - the more you have of it, the more inappropriately you act.

Credit: Dougal McGuire