Apophis is Coming, Grab the Camera!

There's this slight chance that an asteroid named Apophis will slam into the Earth in 2036 and we'll know by Friday, April 13, 2029.

By slight chance, I mean that at one point Apophis's chances of hitting Earth were 1-in-37. It had the same odds of hitting Earth that you do of winning on a single number in Roulette.

Does this count as red? [Source]

Unlike the picture above, the actual asteroid is the size of the Rose Bowl and would probably be more interesting than the Rose Bowl Parade. While not of doomsday proportions, it is large enough to do some damage.

Even if it does hit, no one needs to die.

According to Neil deGrasse Tyson, super awesome astrophysicist, if it hits, tsunamis would pummel the western coast of the U.S. for about 45 minutes, each spaced out by about 50 seconds, and would cause about $10 trillion dollars in damage.

Pretty much what happened during the Bush Administration, but without the west coast tsunamis.

With that said, I say let it hit.

Sure, there would be some awful economic repercussions. Firstly, since the asteroid would hit 500 miles due west of Santa Monica (if it goes through Earth's Key Hole) there would be some costly home destruction. But many of those homes depreciated during the recession anyway.

The "A" is for Apophis. [Source: Google Maps]

But if it hits, imagine what can be done for the sake of scientific endeavor. I'm not referring to the study of asteroid/meteorites. I'm referring to sociology.

There will be YouTube videos, pictures uploaded to Twitter, massive whining on Facebook. There could be a Republican president and Congress and far-left conspiracy theories that Apophis was just the administration's attempt to have liberal Hollywood wiped out.

Even if it comes at the cost of all the Republicans in the area.

Some will just assume the tsunami was Chuck Norris doing a cannonball into the Pacific Ocean. [Credit: Adam Ross]

Sure, people will lose things such as their homes, memories, and the places where they built their lives. A few garden gnomes will go missing, too.

But people are missing the point here - capital gain.

Seen here: Walmart's, CBS News's, and Life Magazine's revenue-based tribute to their wallets. Oh, and 9/11. [Credit: Shane Remer]

Let's face it, there would be new business opportunities. Forget taking a trip to Crater Lake. How about taking a dive to see a meteorite? And, for just the right amount of money, people could buy permits to mine the thing.

Apophis crumbs in plastic containers could cost the average person $10. Rings made from the minerals it contains - $1,000. And, if we're lucky, someone might find the face of Jesus or the Virgin Mary in it thereby signaling the end times.

Of course, all of this depends on Apophis passing through the Earth's keyhole and, if it passes through, where it passes through.  There's a good possibility that won't happen. The chances of you dying from suffocation by a plastic bag are two times more likely than you seeing Apophis kill a couple of dolphins in the Pacific.

This version of suffocation by a plastic bag also two times more likely than Apophis killing a couple of dolphins. [Credit: Shane Remer]

If for some reason it misses the keyhole (mainly because it has a 99.9996% chance of missing Earth), I say we drag it back into an orbit that will rendezvous with Earth in 2036.

It wouldn't be hard to do, either. Tyson gives an explanation of how we can pull the asteroid away from our keyhole by using gravitational pull.

I say we use the same technique and center the asteroid so stubbornly on our keyhole that Earth will be stuck with a seven-year itch.

This is also NASA's plan for deflecting Apophis.

Just imagine everything that will happen. We'll have doomsday predictions. We'll have mass destruction and can start a war against the asteroid belt based on claims of terrorism. We'll have new pictures to put in our history books.

And, maybe most of the Republicans will say that Apophis is to blame for the rise in sea levels and Bangkok's disappearance, not climate change and the absence of most of our glaciers.

Not only that, but it would be awesome to see something that big blazing a path through our atmosphere. And, by blazing a path through our atmosphere, I mean that it could hit at nearly 12 km/s. So, you won't see it for very long.

If you can see it. [Credit: Ben Amstutz]

Of all the scenarios, though, maybe Apophis hitting the Earth is the best. As Tyson pointed out in one interview, one of the biggest questions would be which nations would help deflect it?

Since it would do most of its damage to the U.S., it's a safe bet the U.S. would fund the most money to protect its interests. However, if the same were to happen to another country, say England, would the U.S. help?

What if Apophis were to splash into the Pacific near Nauru and only pose devastating threats to the surrounding small islands? Would anyone help?

Pictured here: How much the U.S. cared during WWII. [Source]

Despite what happens in movies such as Armageddon and Deep Impact, the U.S. might not always be the country at risk, or the one coming to save the day.

If Apophis were to hit anywhere else, I might not be the only one in the U.S. saying, "Let it hit."