You're Only as Good as the Pencil You Have

I don't remember much about the pencils from my childhood, mainly because they were just some tool that I used to finish homework. That, or all the memories I have from school are semantic.

Or I took too many headshots during gym.

For whatever reason, the pencils worked okay then. Some of the pencil sharpeners were awful, but at least the pencils were okay.

Now that I work in a school, I feel like almost every pencil's purpose is to make hell feel like paradise compared to sharpening a pencil.

Here you'll be given a Staples brand pencil to sharpen. Mwhahaha! [Credit: Joe Butler]

Almost all the pencils I see are awful. They don't sharpen correctly, or at all. The wood maintains a sarcophagus-like grip on the graphite.  And the erasers are so hard that my nipples in winter would have a hard time competing.

Except for those Ticonderogas.

The only truthful advertising out there.

Even the company that makes Ticonderogas (Dixon) has a few special reject brands that don't sharpen evenly. Sometimes the lead just falls out.

It's not the sharpeners either. The pencils can be cranked in those old fashioned things that sit on the walls, jammed into an electric sharpener, or twisted in a personal sharpener. They never sharpen.

It's almost as though there's a mass conspiracy to make money off inferior school supplies.

Actually, they've never really made any claims that their products are good.

Even if you manage to sharpen the damn things, there are still eraser issues. Apparently some memo went out to these companies that most people just cross things out inseatd instead of eraping erasing.

It's as though there's some mentality in this nation about quantity over quality.

Like a Dixon Oriole, I occasionally have a good point.

Once they do sharpen, which is pretty much a failure on the pencil's part, they barely write. It looks like some arthritic man with the grip of a dying woman tried to write a letter. If the graphite does show up by some rare chance and someone decides to erase, they're left with a big smudge of pink, black, gray, or a combination of all of them.

You can't even get these awful pencils to stick into the ceiling.

How bad is it? There's a Facebook page for pencil erasers that smear. There are educators complaining on one site about how awful pencils are and more complaining about the Dixon Oriole (and others) on another.

Basically, we might be better off using coal to write and Rudolph's nose to erase.

Rudolph with your nose so bright, help me get my questions right. [Credit: Christo de Klerk, Adam Gerard]

There are a few theories out there as to why these things suck, most of which I just thought of. One is that the wood is inferior. Another is that the graphite is cheap. And a third one I have kicking around is that it's really a combination of everything and then some.

It's not just the pencils either. Awful products in the educational system are everywhere. They're the equivalent of zombies or bad relationships - most of them are dead before you get good use out of them.

Yet, educators are forced to buy these awful products for their classrooms. In fact, the National School Supply and Equipment Association found that they bought up to 77% of the supplies in their classrooms - from their own wallets.

Or man purse. [Credit: Karen Chu]

It still gets worse. Worse than the pencils even.

Another article estimates that 97% of teachers pay from their pockets for supplies. While that could mean something as little as buying some popcorn for a movie they were showing or a kilo of crack for a health class, the average teacher spends around $350 per year.

During the 2011-2012 school year, the Census Bureau estimated that 55.5 million K-12 students enrolled in school. While some of those probably dropped out, a good six million teachers still taught those with nothing else better to do than form lines in front of sharpeners. Those teachers paid about $2.1 billion on school supplies.

With states tightening budgets with vise grips and classroom sizes increasing, teachers are making less and having to pay for more.

In this picture, the bull's genitalia = education's budget. The bull rider = educators. [Credit: Gary Hunt]

Yet, we require more out of our educators and more out of our students. There are specialists entering schools with research on correct teaching methods and data about what's wrong with your teaching style.

Basically, they tell you why you're horrible and what you need to do (but can't) to fix it. The biggest argument they give is that every child can be taught, but when it comes to teachers helping students, some just can't be helped.

They take their checks and leave feeling accomplished knowing their logic is just like all the inferior brands of pencils.

No, no. Let her and me tell you how awful you are.

And whether it's the supplies or the specialists, money's been spent and things are still left dull.

Jesus is Never Coming Back

Ever since people started mass producing the bible there have been people banking - or breaking the bank - on his return, which is hilarious because the book, which many people believe gives them the key to Jesus' return, clearly states no one knows but God.

It gets worse. Another verse in the bible states that Jesus will return like a thief in the night. Basically, Jesus is coming when you least expect it and he's taking your HD television.

Visual approximation of Jesus on his return. [Credit: Fang Guo]

This presents a little dilemma for Jesus' second coming, namely in that it seems there's someone predicting the second coming every year. Then there are some who predict that he's coming "soon".

I'm not sure what this means concerning God's two criteria for Jesus' return, but it seems that someone expecting him soon would cancel out Jesus' return during all the years that encompass the word "soon."

I'd look sad, too, if I had to live with my dad for an undisclosed amount of time. [Source: Wikimedia Commons]

Some might say that the 1 Thessalonians reference above doesn't mean that Jesus won't come back if no one is thinking about him, just that he'll drop in when people are the least prepared. It's the same thing as Mom and Dad dropping by when your house is a disaster.

Ding dong.

The scenario works for the second coming because the bible has a few things to say about the world balancing between a catastrophic hell hole and a universally connected bully pulpit for the preaching of the God's word before Jesus drops in.

However, there's a huge problem, maybe even a contradiction, with the bible and Jesus' return and it's God's first stipulation - only he knows the time.

Think about this. The world becoming evermore connected means there are more outlets for predictions of Jesus' arrival. Everyone will have access to it and not only can everyone hear it, but everyone can predict it and publish their prediction.

"It's three-fifty per minute, but the Doomsday theories are free." [Credit: Alan Turkus]

Now, God has a few more rules about when he'll let Jesus out of his gold-plated room in heaven and extend his curfew so he can crash the Earth's sinfest party. One of them is that the gospel must reach every person on earth. So this whole global communications deal is a positive.

There's also the argument that, although people are making asinine predictions of return dates, none of the people really know, therefore Jesus can return during a prediction anyway.

However, I can only imagine the celebratory bragging that will take place at Heaven's gates if someone mistakenly predicts the actual date.

Predicting "after Abraham Lincoln's death" is kind of cheating, though. [Credit: angelofsweetbitter]

Given all of this, if I were to join the lot of many and wager a prediction, it would be that Jesus is never coming back.

For starters, there are still groups of people being discovered, some as recently as 2011. So at least one person lived who never received the opportunity for some Mormons or Christian missionaries to inform them about their heathen lifestyle.

"And now that you know you're sinful failure, let us tell you about Mitt Romney." [Credit: Aoife]

Secondly, there's the whole issue of the anti-Christ and everyone (other than Christians, most likely) coming together under a common leader. That is if you believe the anti-Christ will be one person.

After all, the bible says an anti-Christ is anyone who doesn't believe Jesus is the Messiah.

Pictured here: Anti-Christs. [Creidt: AJ]

Given those two thoughts, we're on our own. Logically speaking, God created a catch-22. If we don't repent we spend eternity in hell. If Jesus never returns, Earth will turn into it.

Of course, all of this assumes God even exists in the first place, and no one knows that for sure. If he doesn't, then that means the bible is man-made. If the bible is man-made, then that means Jesus was made up and that the people are God.

If the people are God, that means we know when Jesus is coming back.

Which means we don't really know, and Jesus is never coming back.